Hell share stories about his childhood and open up to you about the things that caused him pain. The majority of these reasons are pure BS. Hed rather do his own thing and leave you out of that, too. Moles are different- a physical change that is not elective doesnt count. You cant reach him anymore. Were celebrating Jacksons 7th birthday with some friends, researching ovens since ours literally exploded yesterday (like, glass shards everywhere, were lucky the house didnt burn down kind of exploding), and hopefully recuperating a little after what has been a very eventful few weeks (back-to-school transitions! Plus compliments dont have much value for me if I have to ask for them anyway. A guy whos actually attracted to you and shows signs he thinks youre beautiful will always be there for you. will be older with more wrinkles, bigger waistlines, and thinner hair. Yeah, even if he does find her attractive, its clear that getting compliments is something thats important to her. He might even stutter for a moment to catch his breath. Ill like you no matter how you look.. He likes different things, anyway. He doesnt want to jeopardize this once-in-a-lifetime chance to be with you. One sign to look out for is that hell let you take all the time you need to make a decision. Have you ever caught him staring at you? Dinner dates are sweet and all, but they tend to get repetitive. He has zero interest in working on the relationship to make it better. BUT- if i said something was da bomb, would i get flagged and that email saved? Ive always considered my family and friends, and even bf (who yes, will say he finds other women who look nothing like me, attractive), to be WAY more attractive than me. I was going off the assumption that she included that because her friends are agreeing with her that shes pretty. You might even see that he sent his friend a picture of you to brag about how beautiful you are. Its obvious your relationship has changed. She never said he was ugly. It was no different than any of his annoying but tolerable habits that I accepted because I loved him as a whole package, not as just the sum of his parts. eh, like fabelle said, its very madonna/whore complex. LW I cant from your letter figure out if you even like this guy, let alone why you are marrying him. It sounds like shes really grasping for something to hold onto, but all shes getting is static. This complex has pretty negative connotations that I just cant get on board with that based on like 3 sentences about his physical preferences. I insisted I was never ever marrying again unless it was the guy who finally got me to have a vaginal orgasm. ' That look on your husband's angry face, when the two of you . He wouldnt be with you if there werent things about your looks that he likes but he didnt mention one of them. haha, ok i heard a joke or something on the radio about that again yesterday, and i was thinking: i wonder if they have any of my phone calls/emails. I mean, he had the nerve to say something to her that UGLY people might hear! My husband isnt lewd, disrespectful, or inappropriate towards women. I mean how does one jump from the guy saying sorority girls are pretty to implies that women must assume subservient roles per Wiki. Clearly, LW is not being made by her fiance to feel attractive, and theres a very simple solution to that. I think this is very interesting, and could totally be a cultural thing. Its possible she is wife material but he doesnt think shes pretty. I love you. Dude, were you born on Mars? Im not qualified to answer this one! Your email address will not be published. And if thats the sentiment the boyfriend was getting at what an asshole, amiright? Plain and simple. That sounded odd to me, too. Its a little jarring to find out youre not as pretty as you think you are. But eventually one hopes many of us can move on from these past experiences and subsequent heartbreaks to begin sustaining healthy relationships based on mutual trust and respect. Id rather my bf say that than just say Im hot. Being shallow is about priorities and choice. Hell even try to play his amazement off, but youll see it by the way he loses his train of thought for a moment. He always wants to visit you or drop by. 15. Mother-daughter actors Laura Dern and Diane Ladd share all in Honey Well LW, Im mainly attracted to 6 and taller frat daddies with SEC-style haircuts doesnt mean that Im going to marry one I may fall in love with some hipster guy but love him for who he is and am attracted to him because attraction is part of my way of falling in love (if that makes any sense at all). ), but I love him for him, not just whether he fits the check in the type box. So shes trying to figure out what to do when you are in a relationship with someone who isnt attractive to you, when youve always thought you were pretty darn hot! She thought she would feel more secure in her relationship because she was better looking than him but that hasnt worked out. Either she be a present grandmother, which she hasnt been, and be involved in our lives without this mans control over her, or we were done. Because I think it is all you. Sounds like you have a great guy there- one who was trying to be kind and romantic-not insult or denigrate you. But I think its BS to give a response to a different question from the one that was asked. We all want to be complimented by our partners. It feels just like if you asked Am I pretty? and he replies Well, you have a great personality.. It doesnt have to be one or the other. I know it sucks that he isnt always expressive, but I wouldnt write it off as him not finding you attractive even though he worded stuff funny. Related What to do if your boyfriend never compliments you! This is his way of unconsciously showing you that he likes you, especially because this is his involuntary reaction to you. May your life beyond it bring you more joy and more loving relationships. Ask him what he does find attractive (not concerning the 'outer wrapper') You both need to get into the habit of reminding each other what you do like, love and find attractive about each other. I agree except she didnt ask if she was pretty, she asked how he could be attracted to girls that were her opposite. Not for me. Its up to you to decide whether this possibility bothers you to the point of breaking up with him. (Sure cultural may play in, but if hes marrying a tomboy with piercings Im guessing hes more progressive anyways.). But we, and more importantly she, does not know if he thinks shes ugly. Yikes. So LW, I think its great that your boyfriend sticks with you despite not thinking of you as pretty, because he definitely sees more in you than just beauty, that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. It would be one thing if he was normally attracted to say, brunettes, and then he saw you and you were blonde, and said something like, My whole life Ive only been attracted to brunettes, but then I saw you and you just blew me away. And once a while your partner may glance at an attractive person. Like, You have amazing eyes. If she has piercings and dresses like a tom-boy Im guessing she isnt traditional. Its absolutely adorable to see a man who is completely mesmerized by you. 11. Why is he your ideal life partner? I completely agree with this theory. That should be a given. Technically, I posted a picture on my moms Facebook timeline and her boyfriend became very aggressive with me. I would be seriously pissed if he showed up with a tattoo and didnt talk about it with me first! But there are other things? This girl cant even ask her soon-to-be HUSBAND a direct question. Agreed. Okay, I know this is directed at GG, but as someone who also ~generally~ doesnt care for tattoos* , Ill answer as well: Its not that I would be less attracted, necessarily, but I would definitely feel a pang of turned-off-ness & disappointment every time I saw that tattoo? It depends on where you live. The only thing you mention in this letter is that your fiance doesnt find you attractive. My sisters are extremely attractive. Its not even a conversation though. You cant remember the last time he asked if you were in the mood. Id be curious to hear what the other warning signs youve found are, because you sound like you dont really like him that much. so your wife will never be hot, and the women you think are hot will never be your wife. & maybe he doesnt want to over-value you for your looks right now, since he assumes theyll fade with time. If its making you question how much he loves you or cares about you, the best thing you can do is look at his actions and how he treats you. I feel as if a wall has gone up between us and I dont know how to bring it down. He says he loves me and is still attracted to me, but being attracted to someone and thinking they are pretty are two different things to him. Im stunned that some people can hear, I love you no matter how you look and interpret it as, Youre not pretty, but thats ok because your personality is good.. You both can do better. And then the girl ends up putting up with nonsense because she thinks what the hell happened here? She thought there was a particular power play at work and then got that flipped on her. I live in Delhi and I can only imagine wearing a sweater in December or January (maybe Feb)how are these girls not cooking to death? Right?! "You don't want to lie to yourself because sometimes that can hurt," she said. Our website services, content and products are not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. In the early stages of a relationship, everything is new and exciting and Im sure youll remember the two of you used to compliment each other. You want to know how to tell if your husband hates you. Does anyone still obey? Western women adopted an Indian tradition as a new western fad. Or perhaps you bumped into one of his friends and they told you right away that they heard of you. Hell do it in such a wholesome way, that you wont have any choice but to get flustered, right then and there. You should be head over heels in love with him! A few months ago, my husband of 20 years told me he sees me as average -- not beautiful, not even pretty -- just average. And my beautiful darling, if I were you, I wouldn't feel a thing. And I'm sorry that happened to you. I think it goes without saying that people who are insanely jealous to the point where they track their spouses movements with a GPS or hire private detectives to watch them have some serious issues going on. Ill like you no matter how you look.. What are these other red flags that you casually mention? Grab a bottle of wine, tell Alexa to turn on some soft music and begin to write the affirmations you'll later recite daily in private. You can do better. He might feel theres no point in working on a relationship that no longer makes either of you happy. Your SOs family? All Rights Reserved. He may even avert his gaze. Thats how people talk about booty calls, or someone theyve only been seeing a few weeks and arent really serious about, or arent exclusive with. 6. This, in turn, will lead to him being more complimentary towards you as he starts to feel better. lol, is that not a common word anymore? Yes I agree overall. Your presence is an interruption. We'll answer them with help from experts. Although Im also super into Prince Harry, so maybe he is my type after all. He might have left his phone unlocked and you discovered it by accident. The guys that 'trade up' to a pretty girl like stretching their wings - so to speak. Still a HUGE jump in my mind. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. If hes already given up on having a close and satisfying relationship with you, he wont see the work as anything but a waste of energy. Because we dont know that he isnt attracted to her, just that she doesnt fall into his conventional type. Sometimes you can be too close to a problem, and even though to an outsider it seems like the easiest conversation in the world to have, it can be hard. Others operate on a more Western model. I would definitely take your bfs hypothetical response as calling me fat. empowering audio vision boards full of affirmations, suggested taking the power out of your husband's opinion of you and "write the script for your self.". Its a fundamental skill thats required for any long-term relationship to be healthy. Focus on being useful., Thats somewhat how it is, but our situation isnt quite, Thats a gross exaggeration of how hes acting. He was just trying to be sweet and reassure her that even though their looks would change over time, he would always love her. That is a fact (and an opinion). Why are you his? I know some of you guys are reading it that way, and I dont know who is right, but I read it as him saying exactly what he shouldIm not with you because of your looks, Im with you because I love you. Guys think Im hot. Its great that he likes her personality and that is what counts in the long run but why cant he give her a compliment if he in fact does find her attractive? Now, there is a caveat to this strategy: Usually this technique is used in companies to fix issues with their processes. The lack of attraction seems to go both ways here. Isnt it sad to you that thats how so many would interpret it? About the issue at handin order for a relationship to survive long term, there has to be a physical attraction between you. It wasnt worth the hassle of going out together or even making a special dinner. As far as he can tell, you seem determined to find issues where there are none. At times we can be so hurt by what someone said that we miss their other positive remarks. (Not true of my husband, by the way). Thats when we get answers that actually make it sound like were ugly because theyre so unwilling to give into that. The vibe I get is that shes doing him a huge favor by dating a less attractive, short guy, and he doesnt appreciate her great sacrifice enough. Because you sound approximately fifteen and a half. Maybe shes thinking imperfect thoughts here, but all of us do. But let someone else ask him to do the same, and hes Mr. Dont you think it is a little insecure though? Being pretty on the outside means nothing if you have an ugly spirit. His compliments will feel authentic and hell say them only when the moment is right. Shes not wrong thats how we say things that suck but are true. Twice in recent months he has commented, during sex, about the muscles Ive developed from working out more often. I really dont think the comment about her fiancs not being as attractive as she is has anything to do with him deserving her. This revelation has crushed me and Im finding it extremely hard to get past it. As of now, I cant say anything because you havent made some things clear. There is not one shred of evidence in what she wrote that he doesnt think shes beautiful. That seems like the easiest conversation in the world to have, and youre all now I know why he does this and that when actually, you DONT really know because he never said any of that? Haha Good job parking the car! So if you had said that fishing for compliments about your cooking because you think you rock and you base a lot of your self-worth on your ability to cook, youd be sad. He knows that he hit the jackpot, so why should he keep it a secret? Does he think youre irresistible and attractive or is he just playing pretend to get something out of you? You didnt say anything nice about him. Im curious because you only mention some of his physical attributes and that he is not expressive. I know everyone has moments of insecurity. I am just disagreeing with the whole thought process I guess I can only see how someone would think poorly of this sentiment if they were really insecure, shallow or both. I mean, thats what you say to an ugly person or someone who you love despite their being ugly. Are you SURE youre 23? No, really. What you need to do is communicate your issues with your fiance. Then create a new boundary for yourself and your marriage. She hasnt reached out, and I know her terrible boyfriend has rules in place to not communicate with us. Ugh, that was supposed to have a /sarcasm mode tag at the end of it. Of course, I understand that some menareinappropriate. If you are looking for more, you are caring about way more than just looks. For #2: Insist on couples counseling or at least an hour each week of private, uninterrupted conversations on what each of you can do to rebuild your relationship. Why not make her feel good? 22 sad signs your husband doesn't find you attractive A good partner, than pretty. He just doesnt want any part of it. He might find a different look more attractive, but he also knows that looks arent the most important thing to look for in a partner. What if he all of a sudden grew big moles? Im surprised you think that. I dated guys who by conventional standards where less attractive then me. He just inexpressive towards you. It would be a hurdle to still be attracted to him? As in, Im so pretty that EVERYONE knows Im out of my fiances league. I could be wrong there. Communication is the key here, you need to speak with your husband to find out how hes feeling and what if anything you can do to help. Learn to know the difference between what the real issues in your relationship are and what are simply your own insecurities. If so, his approval could be less an approval of a particular body type, as the western style could be adopted by young women of many innate physical appearances, but the sense of modernity or freedom that the look conveys. Therapy can save your life as well as your marriage. If he compliments you constantly, hes probably just trying to take you home. Yes, there are cultural differences, and then there are the fundamental personality/looks differences. Just because you're in love with or even married to someone doesn't mean other people aren't attractive. No, it doesnt necessarily mean that he doesnt love you if he doesnt compliment you. So to me, it sounds like you are looking for an excuse to break it off with him. In a feature I call Your Turn, in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, Im presenting the following letter without commentary from me: I initially ignored it thinking maybe hes just being nice and doesnt want to judge or be shallow, but Ive noticed that whenever he calls a girl pretty or good looking, theyre all of a similar type: he likes sweater-wearing sorority girls. More seriously, you sound like youve spiraled into a giant conspiracy theory of your own relationship without ever really ascertaining how he feels. I think the big problem is that when a person is super conscious of the fact that someone is less attractive. Shingles! Especially when it comes to sharing their feelings for you. i think the bigger problems you are facing is that you are not confident in your relationship, you are threatened by your fiance being attracted to other women, you compare yourself to other women, you believe your fiance is with you because he looks better next to you by comparison (wtf? They either became controlling and paranoid that I would leave or they treated me like shit as some kind of weird way to gain the power back. Did you ask him how he felt about your looks? I get a definite contemptuous vibelike she was doing him a favour and now if offended that the guy she lowered her standards for isnt all that appreciative. He might be the sweetest guy in the world but i dont think he suits you. I think the issue here is the LWs choice of wording. If my husband and I are watching a movie and I have a crush on the movie star were viewing, Im not afraid to say it and my husband isnt either. Think Aloud is a destination where youll find stories about every step you, as a woman, take. Reluctantly, I agreed but was trying to be nice as no one included me in any of the activities for the groom or the bride. If thats not enough for her, she needs to address her own issues, because it should be enough. Oh and then let me put my fiance down, repeatedly and with friends, and then casually reference all these other warning signs that have existed all along. Oh my!). A guy who's actually attracted to you and shows signs he thinks you're beautiful will always be there for you. Its possible that you didnt even realize that you made him feel this way. India is very very different from the US (where most of DWers are from). Although the flapper archetype was almost young-boyish skinny, tall, and small breasted, many girls and young women adopted this new style. He spends less time at home. Shes free to comment on her own appearance, but to insult other women (especially ones that her boyfriend is attracted to) is where it becomes rude and shallow behavior. Some days youll feel sad and depressed and hell be there for you. If you - or even someone in a past relationship - rebuffed a comment from your husband or made him feel bad about saying something like "you're beautiful", he's not going to say it again. After a number of years, I finally got over his first (arguably worst) tattoo, & then he got another absolutely hideous one that made me cringe every time I saw it. As his wife, I feel I should be, at minimum, pretty to him, but knowing he sees me as "just average" seems to be eating away at me. Except when he flat out told her she wasnt pretty. It usually takes me several hours to pull back and convince myself that it was just a poor choice in words and doesnt mean he thinks Im ugly/fat/whatever. He also makes sure to show you off to his friends. "You cant govern your life off of someone else's interpretation of you. This man of hers is very aggressive and manipulative. Prepare a shortlist of things to talk about but dont expect to cover everything.